It's Over ....

The Cycles of Endings in Romantic Relationships

Some may think that an ending is a single event, sealed with a decision or a "stroke of a pen." However, our relationships with those we love—or once loved—end in three stages. These stages may be brief or prolonged, but they inevitably occur before any story truly concludes, whether we are aware of them or not.

🔴 The Red Circle: The Closed Loop

This stage begins the moment you realize that the relationship cannot continue—whether due to the loss of personal freedom, discovering your partner’s secret medication use, betrayal at work, growing emotional and intellectual distance, narcissism, infidelity, or manipulation. The reasons are many, but this stage is marked by feelings of fear, shock, and perhaps anger. At this point, any decision to part ways is often misguided, leading to endless cycles of breakups and reunions. The unresolved question here is: "Why did this happen to me? Why did I act this way? Am I being unfair to the other person, and is there something I need to clarify?"

During this phase, the other party might justify their actions or placate you with sweet words, assuring you that you are "important" and that you've "misunderstood" them. You might stay because of the fear of public judgment—“What will people say? What a disgrace!”—or distract yourself with shopping or eating to forget the pain.

This stage could last up to seven years, marked by emotional manipulation.

📈 **Return Rate Due to Shock: 80%**

🟠 The Orange Circle: The Struggle for "Why"

In this phase, relationships oscillate between conflicts centered on demands for change—"You need to change and give more"—and threats like "You’ll have to accept this or leave." This stage is exhausting, driven by a sense of courage. You might see, for instance, a woman turning to self-help books or cosmetic clinics, trying to improve her relationship. She might disappear and return with solutions after learning how to manage attachment, or perhaps after having some cosmetic enhancements to look better than a rival who once brought her marriage into the red circle. Here, a man might earn a master's degree just to quiet his wife's comparisons to her wealthier brother-in-law or her friend’s doctor fiancé. In this stage, people may also turn to fortune-tellers or make religious vows, doing whatever it takes to resolve the "crisis."

In this stage, a husband might spend most of his time avoiding home by working or hanging out with friends, while the wife focuses solely on the children. The unspoken escape from confrontation continues.

Unfortunately, most solutions at this stage do not propel the relationship forward. However, the good news is that the person leading the orange circle will emerge as a "star," highly evolved and self-aware, grateful for the past, and able to see clearly the gap between themselves and the partner who was busy building a web of deceit.

The other party might fight back. You may end up in court, in hospitals, or in family mediation sessions. They may cling to you, or an inner voice may curse you into returning repeatedly, enduring pain over and over. This phase could last a lifetime if there are significant commitments or if the trauma and childhood wounds remain unhealed.

Unfortunately, most marriages are stuck in this phase.

📈 **Return Rate Due to Fear of Failure: 60%**

🔵 The Blue Circle: Acceptance and Letting Go

This stage signifies that you have reached a state of acceptance—of reality, of your abilities, and those of the other person. You have "put down the pen" and stopped expecting anything more. You understand that you deserve better, that the other person was suitable only for the previous phase, having played their role adequately, but now it’s time to move on.

What distinguishes this stage is that one partner undergoes a significant change, often too profound for the other to acknowledge. You may find yourself smiling through anger, spending more time in silence, or experiencing longer absences. Some actions might resemble those in the orange circle, like occasional reconciliations, but this time with different intentions. The stronger party has already decided to move on internally, seeking closure and testing their own resolve. Practical preparations for a true separation begin—like sleeping in separate rooms, meeting new people, not sharing accomplishments, or hearing about significant life events through mutual friends or social media.

At this point, the other party might become entangled in multiple relationships, face disruptions, and distractions that pull them away from you. But these things no longer matter, as your self-preservation takes precedence.

Reaching this stage means waving the white flag of surrender. You have come to know yourself, understood your purpose, and answered the lingering questions: "Why did this happen to me? Why was this love one-sided? Why was my partner a harsh teacher who didn’t know how to be a lover?" Here, true manifestations of growth occur.

The hardest part of this stage is the sadness and tears of farewell as the story ends, the nostalgia for the past. Typically, it takes 3-6 months to catch your breath again, so give yourself that time. The most beautiful part of this stage is the overwhelming sense of acceptance, which serves as a gateway to new beginnings and higher levels of personal growth.

The other party won’t resist your departure, argue, or hurt you. They might even offer an open door if you ever need them, and you may laugh together about the "silliness of your past conflicts."

At this stage, you will feel a deep sense of peace, as the energy and purpose of the relationship have concluded—whether you realize it or not. Now, it is safe and appropriate to separate, and you will feel it is truly the end, perhaps even through a "dream."

📈 **Return Rate Due to Longing (Don’t reopen the conversation, please): 10%**

🟢 In Conclusion

Remember, every ending is a beginning. Energy circulates and never ends, and every day brings something new.

#Intentional_Relationship_Development

Dr. Fairouz Mustafa

Life Coach and Consultant